Before I say anything else, I want to mention how grateful I am that Christina is my sister. Granted, we have our differences. I am your typical first-born: perfectionist, an organized list-maker, detailed, follows the rules, kind of person. Christina is the creative, spontaneous, out-going social butterfly. As a result, we inevitably clash over certain areas, such as the state of our room. :) But we also work well together. She can make me laugh with just her expressions and is always the one to suggest a lively game. How lucky I am to have a built-in friend for life!
If you’ve been following our family’s blog, you will know that we have been celebrating the season of Lent before Easter. A recent family devotion was on deserts. We looked at different stories in the Bible that include the desert and noticed that wandering in the desert was not necessarily a bad thing. Almost every story that we found contained an experience of growth and healing for the person/people in the desert. Our activity after the reading was to write down some of our own “desert” experiences and tell how God helped us through it and what we learned. I’m going to be open and share one of my desert stories.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in the 2 ½ years we’ve had Kaiden and Keira, it is this: I am not capable and I am weak. I had previously known this to some degree in my head but never really felt it to be true in my daily interactions. Usually, I am fairly capable and efficient to do almost anything I need to do. But lately I just felt that I couldn’t do anything without feeling utterly dependent and helpless. There are so many things in my life that I can do absolutely nothing about and it made me so frustrated! And not only did I feel emotionally weak but also physically weak. I’ve gone through 4 or 5 different medicines and 2 injections to try and treat my arthritis. Though they took the sharp edge of pain away, there was still a constant dull ache in my body that matched the ache in my soul.
At first, I prayed that God would take away the situations where I felt so helpless. Then I tried to ignore the feelings. Neither plan working, being reminded of it almost hourly, I attempted to lock the feelings inside where no one would see them. I’ve always been someone who internalizes everything. I suppose that stems from the same problem. Admitting how I really feel would be a sign of weakness, right?
Wrong. My wonderful parents noticed that something was wrong and encouraged me to be honest. I finally opened my heart and related how I had been feeling. They helped me see that acknowledging weakness is actually an essential part of being a Christian. You know, sometimes we feel like God is really lucky to have someone like us on His team. But that is a lie from Satan. And it has such an arrogant and self-important air! If we are truly that independent, then there would be no need for salvation and Christ’s work would be in vain!
But it’s still not easy. No one wants to admit weakness. And it goes against every part of my nature. I like people to think well of me and I want to feel like I have control of every situation. But it’s so important! My dad said that it’s always where we want to go least that God needs to take us most! I found some wonderful verses that spoke to me on this. Here is my favorite…
“So to keep me from being conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest upon me. For Christ’s sake, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong!” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
What a relief! I don't have to worry about carrying the burden! I no longer carry unrealistic expectations for myself! Though this is, unfortunately, a desert I am sure I will have to revisit from time to time, I am very thankful for my time there!
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